When I'm Sad I Slide
by wren10514
Summary: A dark piece about how the marauders each cope with the hard times. Credit to Bhangra Santa who gave me the idea for it: Rated for safety
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own The Slider (T-Rex does I guess) and neither do I own HP (unless JK wants to give it to me).

Credit must go to Bhangra Santa who gave me the idea for this in her story "When I'm Sad I Slide"

WARNING: This is not a happy piece! Self-harm, drug use, and semi-explicit m/m action. Don't like, don't read.

A/N: I'm aware that the characters are a little OOC in this, but I thought it was an interesting perspective given that these are teenagers having to deal with a war very close to home and most people have something they use to help them cope (even if it's just ice cream:))

Please R&R. Flames welcome as long as you tell me what you don't like.

**When I'm Sad….I Slide….**

The blood was warm as it spread slowly down his arm. The nick would be barely visible once it closed, but it was deep, and his aching heart thanked him for the release of the pressure bottled up inside.

Leaning his head back against the clean white tile of the shower wall and closing his eyes, Sirius let slip a sigh of relief. His shirt sleeve pinched where it was rolled up out of the way, but he left it where it was – it wouldn't do for the others to find bloodstains. Besides, he liked the pain, deserved it coming from that filth, the thought of letting some of their precious bloodline wash down the drain actually brought a grim smile to his face for a moment. That they could ally themselves with Voldermort, that there precious pureblood stopped so short of having any humanity in it. The thought that the Slytherins were probably cheering his idiot brother in their common room about now didn't help. He remembered the looks on everyone's faces as the news spread around the Great Hall: _the Blacks have been caught!_

Bile rose in his throat and his hand clenched convulsively around the razorblade, nicking his fingers. Opening his eyes he looked down to see the stark drops of red against virgin white and sickened further. What kind of person was he, what kind of man would do this to himself? Wretched shame coloured his cheeks and he felt the bite of the dull edge of the blade against his fingers again.

Pain. He deserved pain. Bringing up the blade he sunk it into his arm once again, deeper this time, wider. Sirius grit his teeth, but felt a sick sense of pride that he could stand this physical feeling. The blood welled up quickly, running freely over arm and hand and trouser leg to drop with a certain finality on the tile. Sirius no longer cared about the stains he friends might find on his clothes, no longer cared if he ever saw them again. As glistening red pooled around his shoes he felt the sickness fade to leave an aching numbness. Or maybe it didn't fade – maybe it had simply reached a peak where he could no longer feel it. Either way, Sirius didn't care. He felt the heat running across his skin begin to cool and prayed for everything to just…stop…

A sharp hiss was the shower curtain being pulled back revealing a worried face quickly darkening with anger.


	2. Chapter 2

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Remus had smelt the blood from outside the bathroom door, but had never expected to find this. Surging forward, he barely knew himself as he held Sirius' head back against the tile by his chin.

"What the FUCK Sirius!"

"What? What does it matter if a little Black blood goes down the drain? It's where it belongs don't you think?"

While the words stabbed at him, it was the blank look in his friend's eyes that sapped him of his anger. He had known Sirius despised his family, had even realised that hatred made him depressed him every now and then, but had never seen him with this blankness in his eyes and bone-chilling self-loathing in his voice. Still pressing him firmly against the tile, Remus was barely aware of the young man's body against his as he desperately searched Sirius' face for signs of his friend. Sirius, on the other hand, seemed unwilling to let Remus off so lightly.

"Come one Remus. Don't you think the Blacks are getting what's coming to them now they've been caught?"

"Shut up."

Sirius ignored him. "You more than anyone had reason to hate us." His chuckle was dry and humourless. "You never heard what they said about you, about your kind, behind closed doors."

"Shut up!"

Remus didn't care what they said. He knew Sirius was only trying to bait him, give him the pain he so obviously thought he deserved. The werewolf didn't need to be told what a bunch of purebloods said about him to feel like dirt. Worse than dirt, sometimes it was all he could do to feel anything at all after the school year was over and he went back to the fear and disgust of the wizards in his home town. Sometimes he needed, just for a moment, to feel something good in the world and would put himself in the hands of any muggle, male or female, willing to give it to him.

But Sirius was still talking.

"You're not just a mudblood, though that would be enough for them…"

He had to shut him up. Had to get life back into those eyes he had thought he knew so well.

"…no you're a mongrel alright, but it's the disease that gets them…"

Shut up, shut up, shut up. This isn't the Sirius I know. I can't stand to see that numbness in your eyes, that blood on your shirt…

"…you're infectious, a plague so vile you shouldn't just be killed, but burnt and the ashes laced with silver…"

Finally Sirius turned to look him squarely in the eye and the abyss he saw there was unbearable. Before he truly knew what he was doing Remus had seized Sirius' lips with his, kissing him as deeply as if he could force life into his friend with the act. Sirius scrabbled at his chest, trying to force him away, but was no match for werewolf strength as Remus reached for the other boy's belt and deftly undid it with one hand. For a moment Remus broke away from the kiss to concentrate on shirt buttons and Sirius gasped for air.

"Remus? What are you doing? Remus get off me!"

He had finished with shirt buttons and fly and held Sirius' gaze as he slowly moved his hands across the young man's beautifully defined chest and stomach, slowly down until one hand strayed into his underwear.

Sirius gasped for a different reason then.

Remus never let him look away as he spoke. "This is just one time. I just need…" Remus's gaze faltered, roving over Sirius's face, willing him to understand.

"It's okay." Sirius's voice cracked. "I just need to feel…"

That was enough for Remus and he reclaimed Sirius's lips, his friend's hands helping instead of hindering now, ripping off shirt and trousers both as the heat overtook them in the damp and the blood of the shower floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Running. Have to run. It didn't happen. I didn't just see that. I don't have to think about that!

Tears streamed down Lily's face as she ran, making her way blindly through the narrow passages and trick corridors of Hogwarts. She saw stairs ahead of her and pelted up them, breath coming harder and harder now in her throat. It was the long flight of stairs to the astronomy tower and soon defeated her, her sobs coming full force as she slowed for breath.

How could that happen? It was disgusting! The two of them rutting like animals on the floor of the shower. Everyone had been looking for Sirius since he had left early at dinner and she guessed Remus had found him. But how? How could Remus do such a thing? His beautiful body, fabulous mind and genteel demeanour reduced to _that_. Lily gagged as sobs and imagery came together in her throat, but still made her way up the stairs.

Breaking out into the fresh air was a fleeting blessing as the unfairness of it all washed over her. Why Remus? She'd had a crush on him practically ever since James first introduced them. Remus's kind nature had only shone brighter next to the crass attitude of his friends, but it had been those same friends that had meant she had never had her chance. They were always together…and now she had seen with her own eyes that he was the worst of the lot.

As Lily moved over to the edge of the roof she felt a little of her composure return. Up high like this, it gave her a sense of control. She knew it was ridiculous, but everything seemed so small when you were up high, like it couldn't really matter that much…it was a false comfort but she would take whatever she could get.


	4. Chapter 4

He'd come up here for a little peace. The shit had really hit the fan with the news about Sirius's family over dinner and James really felt like he needed a little pick me up before he had to deal with the latest crisis. The astronomy tower this late at night was one of the few places he had always been able to do a line or two in private, with nice long walk down the stairs giving his buzz time to hit before he had to face the world again.

Now he'd been interrupted by Lily of all people. He was tempted to go ahead and take just one line with her here anyway – she didn't seem to even realise he was there, he could get away with it, but as he heard her sob, he packed away his gear, mourning his lost chance. This time he was just going to have to deal on his own. He felt his nerves tremble at the thought, but couldn't stop himself from going over. No matter what anyone said, she did something to him.

"You alright?"

She jumped in surprise and for a moment he thought she was going to go over the side, but then she was turning towards him, frantically rubbing the tears from her face.

"Yeah, fine!"

Her voice was brittle, and inwardly he sighed wishing he could just forget about her, about everyone, stop being the great Head Boy for one second, but he just couldn't do it.

"Come on, what's wrong?"

He couldn't read her expression in the dark, but she seemed about to burst into tears again.

"Nothing. I just…it's nothing."

"Look I can see something's upset you. I know you hate me, but I'm just trying to help."

"I know. I'm really grateful, but I don't think you can help. Thanks for trying…you know I really don't hate you." She actually seemed sincere and James felt surge of hope only to have it quashed by a bitter sense of futility.

"Well you know if you want to talk…"

"Thanks."

He left quickly. Maybe no one would be in the toilets on the third floor.


	5. Chapter 5

Something had happened. He knew it. Something had happened tonight and no one was going to tell him about it. Everyone had been acting really strange as they got ready for bed and Peter was sure he had seen a cut on Sirius's arm before he had shoved a T-shirt on to sleep in. James had been really twitchy when he came back, but for once neither Sirius nor Remus had wanted to say anything – nothing about the news over dinner, and no pranks or study they wanted his help with either.

Peter had watched it all. They barely noticed him, and when he tried to engage them in games or conversation all he had got was disinterested looks or terse comments to leave it alone. This always happened! No matter what he did, nothing was good enough for these posers! Not even the werewolf! You'd think a creature like that wouldn't be so picky, but those two had actually made him think he was as worthwhile as anyone else.

He took another glug from the bottle of whiskey. The room was flooded with moonlight, but Peter sat safe in the dark behind his curtains with his only true friend. The neck of the bottle felt comfortable in his grasp as he swilled the contents back and forth rhythmically. It had been full when he started, but he'd been needing more and more recently – it was the only thing that could still the bitter, spiteful voices in his head, the only way he could sleep in peace without his dreams taunting him. Some day…some day he had promised himself that he would be important, that he would be the centre of attention, that no one would ever tease him again just because they could.

Slowly he felt his eyes begin to close and his grip become unsteady. One last swig and he stowed the bottle away, safe from these boys who thought they were so hard, thought they could ignore Peter Pettigrew.


End file.
